I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
