He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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