Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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