She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
