I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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