I can tuck mytits in my pants
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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