How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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