There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I will pee on everything he values.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
