I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
