No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
