Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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