watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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