The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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