I think I am morally bankrupt
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
