he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
