I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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