i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
