I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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