Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
