I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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