I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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