So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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