she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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