No stitches, just platelets and will power
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize