Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
