Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She bit a glass in half.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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