An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
