Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
