Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
