hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
