we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
