I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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