I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
