I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
