"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
false alarm. still invincible.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm like, not good at living.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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