I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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