Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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