Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
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