She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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