I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize