Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
