1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
