I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
