I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
