how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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