So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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