Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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