Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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