My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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