either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
