I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
