I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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