i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize