Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
