I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
