Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
