the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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